No such thing as nonexistence.

I went for so long without Sleep Paralysis, it was nice. I think it was about… 20-ish days… I lost track after 15 because after that I thought, “Oh thank Jesus it’s gone forever.”

Well it’s not, but oh well. Yesterday at school I lied my head down on my desk while watching a movie in my second hour, AP US Histroy, not with an intention to sleep, but just to relax/be in a more comfortable position. And well, I fell asleep. And at one point a got a tingling numbing sensation on the right side of my head. That’s when I knew I was going into sleep paralysis. So I opened my eyes, and heard the everything in the room getting louder, and then (this gets weirder) everything just started looking like a desert. Like a drought desert kind of desert. I couldn’t talk, so I couldn’t get anyone’s attention, so I focused on moving too, and when I was able to kinda move my foot back and forth slightly, I snapped out of it and fell back asleep.

I do some things I shouldn’t.

Some things that I’m not proud of.

Some things that I don’t want to do.

But I will never say that verbally. 

I think it’d be smart if you didn’t follow in my footsteps.

I dreaded the fact I was turning 18 this past December. Absolutely dreaded it. Everyone always said, “But Kar, you’ll have so much freedom. You have no rules. You can be independent.” Well that’s bullshit, and they obviously are kind of oblivious to how the real world works. Things are NEVER that simple. 

Here’s what makes it so much more difficult:

• I started school two years late. So I’ve been the oldest kid in all my classes. I’m still just a junior in high school, it’s not just that easy to pack all my shit and just leave if I’m looking for a good education after high school.
• My mom and I have a really rocky relationship. It probably has something to do with my biological father, I’m sure. So for years of living here, I’ve only ever heard of how much I’m not wanted here, how I cause all the problems. Sounds like that should make it easier to leave, right? Well, no. I’ve been trying to mend this relationship with my mother since I was 10, to absolutely no avail. If I leave, I’d want to leave on a good note.
• Being in high school right now, I only have a part time job. So I don’t make a lot of bank in one month. If I had a full time job, I might be able to get somewhere. 

Those are just some of the reasons that makes it hard and dreadful.

But I hate it, because living here I need to walk all around egg shells. If I piss someone off, everyone jumps down my throat. And today, I asked my dad if he could help me pay for something for school. I know, I have a job, I should be able to pay for it myself, but I’m waiting for my next paycheck. And he said he didn’t have any money, and I was fine with that. No problems whatsoever. Then my mom just started jumping down my throat, saying how I was so greedy and how I expected to have more from the parents than any other kid in the house. Well, I’m sorry but that’s bullshit.

So she wants me to leave. I (more than likely) have to find a place to go. 

I’ve missed Lansing.

And I have someone there willing to take me in.